DR. SHEFALI -BEST-SELLING AUTHOR & ‘A RADICAL AWAKENING’

I will be on with Dr.Shefali where we will be talking about our authentic self , and meditation...I Got It!...I did it, I have you on! how are you? 

Hi! is this your first InstaLive...Well, no it is not my first InstaLive, it is just my first InstaLive by myself. So what better way than to start big, and have one of my favorite authors.

Wow! thank you for having me...

Thank you so much for joining. Dr.Shefali’s new book, ‘ A Radical Awakening’, which is what we will be talking about. If you have not started, she does book clubs pretty much everyday, and I personally tune in because it is amazing. It is free advice, and who does not love that; and it is about being our authentic selves.

In this day in age I feel like we need it more than ever. So my biggest question is how do people start? I mean we kind of remember who we are, but what is the best way to reconnect to us...

Well, once you decide that you are in trouble, and you lost your true self - your authentic self. Just like when you start a new lifestyle, a healthy lifestyle...you have to come down to the basics. Okay, so for your authentic self you have to learn how to connect. How to connect, you have to take self help courses. I have many, and other people have many (courses). Or go see a coach or a therapist. And you have to start you journey. Like when you want to loose weight, you have to go to a gym, or maybe hire a nutritionist; change your eating habits, or follow people that inspire you. 

In the same way in the self-help field there are specific things you have to do, and you have to do them. And the hard thing is it is not about how you look, or not about how much money you make - it is about how you can be happy within yourself.

So this book - ‘A Radical Awakening’, talks about how women can get into their own authentic power; and get in touch with their own authentic self. Reading books help...ya know!

©DR.SHEFALI

Yes, when you say women especially... I had a strong sense of self when I was younger. As I get older - relationships and even with the dynamics with friendships, or personal relationships it chips away at you. You blink, and before you know it you are like what do I want.  So I highly recommend the book for everyone. I annotate, I am a nerd like that. This brings me to next question...

Relationships, and the complexity of relationships is the hardest topic for people to dive into. Because it is not only yourself it is another human being. I love the book clubs, or the little sound bites that you give on your Instagram where you talk about our inner child, and healing the wounds. Also where we are on our own happiness, I love that and it is great in theory. But sometime last week, or maybe a few days ago you said...’if they are not abusive you stay. You be patient, try to learn them.’ What is the best way that you would advise, when they have done the work on themselves; but someone else’s actions are hurting, their inactions, and they have talked about it. Example, ‘xyz would make me happy, and it could be home cooking, or watching a movie once a week - what would you advise if it is just not happening...

Right...when you know yourself, and you align with yourself. You typically notice if you are in alignment with other people. So you don't just want to watch a movie with them, because that is what they want; you have to want to, want to watch a movie with them because of the connection. So as we get to know ourselves better, as we grow older, we begin to align ourselves to people that align with us, and match to us. As well connect to who we are, and that takes a process. So for many years of our lives, especially as women, we do things for the other person, because we are trying to be nice. And we are not enjoying it at all. 

Yes!, and it bites us in the butt. I know for me personally, you can be the most confident person in business, or in general. Then it can be that one person, if they are not giving you what you need - and you have been nice, you compensate to make them happy. You end up, and you are just deflated. That is such a great topic that you discuss. Then with this modern day age with social media, the Apps, and especially with COVID people’s interactions are more limited. So how would you advise to connect, and to look for the alignment. Nowadays with everything going on...

Yes, so in the book ‘A Radical Awakening’ , I talk about how we are actually in false relationships. We are in relationships through our own false self, and we are in relationships with people in their false self. And we don't realize that we are actually re-playing our pattern from childhood. We think we are in relationships with people but we are not. We are in our false-self, in a relationship with their false-self.

So how can we begin to be in true relationships...only when we begin to go on a true inner journey to get to know who we are. We are wearing masks, not just the other person. So, for example if the other person wants to watch boxing everyday. If you are wearing the mask of a people pleaser, a codependent, or a needy little girl in the relationship wanting  to please her daddy; then you are going to watch boxing for years. And you are going to loose yourself, and you are going to bullshit yourself into a complete fake life. Then you are going to forfeit you, you are going to be angry; frustrated; eating too much; apathetic; tired; procrastinating; exhausted; and burning out and why?...why? 

And then one day the beauty of all of this...it can not last more than 50 to 60 years, so by the time that you are 60 years old something is going to break. You want it to break early, the earlier it breaks the better; because you can rebuild your life. 

False lives, and false selves will crack, one way or the other. Or you are going to put on a lot of weight, or be a real addict. Because you are suppressing it. This is how we all live, I am a therapist I see it every single day. The shell of the fake persona, false ego, is raging to crack. So, throw in one child, throw in another child, throw in a car accident, and a job loss, and enough pressure - and boom it falls apart.

That is amazing when it happens.It is the most painful thing ever, because you are at the bottom of the gutter, it is the rock bottom experience. And so how do you begin when the pain is too much? Well hopefully you begin by looking in the mirror, and say ‘I got to do this differently, I got to do something different’. 

And in this book, ‘A Radical Awakening’, I talk about my own breaking point. My own rock bottom, and how I had to rebuild myself. And I teach the path. I give people the pathway, I do not just talk about you should do it, I give the actual path. First, you do this, and then you do this - and this is what happens

I work with so many people so I know the path, the path that you have to go on. This book is not an entertainment book. Nooo...it is deep.   Not an autobiography, it is really serious - this is how you do your work. This is what you need to do.

Do you find that it is easier to help people and guide them once they hit rock bottom, or is it simply the willingness to change. Which do you find is easier...

Most people are not willing to change until they have hit rock bottom. Very few people say, ‘Oh my life is amazing, everything is amazing...I want my life to be better’ No they do not do that. They only come when the shell of the ego cracks. Which is really hard because they are already ten red flags late - ten abusive relationships too late...now they are in trouble. But that is now when they are really willing to do the work. So that is a good place. It is a good thing. So I see a lot of clients. I have a coaching institute to coach clients.

There a lot of people who are willing to do the work, and to awaken to do the work. It takes a lot of courage - so I understand how hard it is.

©DR.SHEFALI

I have read the book. I read it, and then watch your book clubs. Because some things are so heavy to do on your own. I am like she doesn't really talk about this, do we have to go all the way back. It is so helpful that you are doing the book clubs, because we can digest it mentally which is what I love. But what made you write this book...typically, or your most popular books are dealing with parenting. What is amazing is that ‘A Radical Awakening’ is more for women...so what made you do the jump...

This is my fifth book. My first four books were on parenting, my most popular is ‘The Conscious Parent’.

This book is about the awakening of the woman, and what made me write it was my own awakening. Also, seeing how women, especially mothers, women, who reach mid-life are like dying. By the time... you still look very young. Oh, thank you! celery juice - no, I just hit 30, and I literally had a meltdown. I hit 30, and almost had a 30 year crisis. I was like what is life, and you do look back and say ‘why am I not exactly where I want to be, and what have I sacrificed’.

You know you are so lucky to catch your sacrifice at 30. I had no idea I was sacrificing, I was so happy to sacrifice. And then I burnt out in my mid 40’s, and when you reach burn out it happens to so many women. I was watching it with women after women...so many women in my practice.  It was happening to me. So I was like I need to write about it, and shake women up. Because what is missing in our world today is the awaken woman. What is missing in the world is a woman in her power, in the most beautiful way. Not against men at all. Just in her own power. 

The minute a woman is in her own power she will not allow abuse, and not allow injustice. Our earth is suffering  - because women are sleeping. So this is the time to be the awakened woman.  And I really believe that this book will help women usher the way, and create the pathway to heal men, to heal our daughters, and to heal ourselves.

My biggest question - I know with my friends I know we have set standards of how we want our lives to be. Like for example - I need to be married by 25, and 2 kids by 30. Nobody ever thinks of a divorce, or a break-up or starting over. So what do you say to women who literally think its too late. I missed my window, why even bother - how do you approach that...

Many are writing that this book is for young women, and I could not agree more.  It is for women in their 30’s, because it will prevent you from doing the rubbish that we did. I hope women in their 30’s realize that the don't have to get married, don't have to have children. They don't also need to do everything on the list - they don't need to be skinny, don't need to be perfect. 

This is a book that really allows women to see their true selves in such a beautiful way. That you don't fall into relationships, relationships are not the end all. This book really shows you how marriage is now an old institution. And we need to re-frame our ideas around love, around beauty, and around your power. And this book really helps women to shape up and don't do it like your grandmother. 

That was because my generation, and the generation before me were really asleep. We were all sheep. And your generation, and the next ones are going to shake up the world if we haven't messed you up too much. You are the leaders now, your generation is really the ones that I wrote this book for. So that you can stop the pattern, break it, heal the men that you are with; and teach them that women cannot be exploited, silenced - women are ready to step up and claim their power.

For me I annotated it, I watch it like religion - it is beyond helpful. I know my own personal experience - and we all are living with childhood trauma; what we see our parents and grandparents do. So how would you advise a woman, who has a partner, they are very patriarchal and they are stuck in their ways (saying-thinking) - ‘I do not have to listen to you, it is my way or the highway’... 

Yes, that is what we are up against. We are in a system that has historically and chronically dimmed women down. And women think our role is to be sweet, be kind. I am not saying not to be kind. We do not have to remember to be kind, you should be kind if that comes naturally. We are taught to please and keep the harmony - and that is a lie. It is only going to keep us small. I am not saying we need to fight all the time, but we also should not be told to not fight. We should be told to follow our authentic voice, when we follow our authentic voice we naturally are loving, kind, and harmonious. And we seek justice because we don't want to be trampled on so when we are told to be nice, we are told to be quiet.

It is time for women to realize that we live in a patriarchy that has toxic messages for men and women. We need to turn the tide, shift the waves to a new ocean to a new way of being. It takes each woman to step up to the plate, and for women to own the co-creation in the dynamic. How have we been contributing to our own oppression, and allowing the patriarchy telling us how to look, and think. No, now we need to use our voice and step up in an authentic way.

People have taken time, they are their authentic selves, they are more happy, and they feel more fulfilled. What do you advise your clients when they are their authentic selves, and they still run into an issue - it could be a friendship, a personal relationship which really questions all the work they have done. Maybe it is a comment - why are you different...why are you weird. And you are being yourself - what do you advise...

Well the one thing is to touch upon your authentic self, and the other thing is to protect your authentic self. So the culture will keep robbing us of our sanity - why are you doing that career ?... why are you getting a divorce?... why do you only have one child, you should have seven?... why are you not having children?...  The culture will keep putting pressure, because culture is based in fear. So we need to realize that culture is based in fear, and fight culture.

Culture putting their opinions, and values on us. So part of this Radical Awakening is to wake up - ‘Turn Pain into Power - embrace your truth and live free’. Protect your truth, live your truth, and stand up to culture. This book gives you the permission, the language, intelligence to stand up to culture. This book gives you power and courage. 

You are so amazing...so my last question how do you stay balanced. What meditation do you tell yourself when you wake-up. I follow your InstaLives and you always seem so calm, at peace, and balanced - or what Zen music do you listen to...

Well, I meditate everyday, I have meditated everyday since I was 21 years old. And when you meditate you understand about what life is. That this is all a game, an illusion. So nothing is real. We are a speck-on a speck- on a speck of sand. That is how irrelevant we are. So all the highs and lows, the constant drama all come from your delusion that you are something. When you realize you are nothing - nothing to the universe - you have fun! You are just playing with life.

I wake up everyday to play with life. I don't get caught up with...’what are people saying about Dr. Shefali’. She doesn’t exist, she is just a way to communicate. People get caught in the mask of their identity... of being a mother, a author, or whatever. Now when you are caught in the identity, you are married to the identity. And when you are married to the identity, the identity matters to you and you want to control your identity. 

Your identity is just the way that you play. So people can like you, people can not like you, and you are fine with it. And you're like...’wow, she really doesn't like me’. Because you understand when people project their stuff on you, it is them, it is not you. They are taking themselves very seriously. You are like gosh...she really hates me, but she, or he are contacting their bullshit. It has nothing to do with you. So life becomes an experiment in the moment to enjoy, and play with.

Everyone race out and get the book, ‘A Radical Awakening’, honestly Dr. Shefali you have made me the coolest daughter, thank you.

Good luck with all that you are doing. I am so proud of you. I love supporting young women. Thank you for inviting me.